Month: September 2010

omg
I really need a new tattoo.

I realized tonight that I haven’t been, done or said anything inspirational for quite a while. That is sad. I guess I am not hunting down inspiration at the moment so there isn’t much to share.
I will say this, every time I look at any of my kids it is like a shot to the heart that I am it for them right now. I am not worthy of the task of raising them, teaching them, preparing them for a better future than what we have right now.
I have to make this work, I have to show them that through adversity there is strength. That even though plans fail sometimes, you step up and keep going.
I was given these 3 unique children for a reason, I am blessed daily with their love and acceptance even when I am far, far from a perfect Mom.
I remember once when Tyler was about 5 I was having a hard day, in a lot of pain with my back and a sinus infection and I had had enough. I sat in my chair and started to cry. Poor kid, being autistic and not being able to read and interpret other’s emotions, or properly use the words “me” and “you”, he just stood in front of me and said in a confused voice, “Momma, my eyes leaking.”
I explained I was crying but it was okay to cry sometimes. He didn’t believe me and made sure to inform every family member individually throughout the day and evening that my eyes leak.
Funny, today when I was crying he asked Grandpa, “Why is Mom sad? Who hurt her?” Grandpa made an excuse for me that I was crying from being in physical pain, nobody hurt me. Partially true, enough to appease Tyler’s worry over my eyes leaking. I don’t let them see me cry unless it can’t be avoided. Lately tears well up much more often than I would like although it doesn’t actually lead to crying.
I have always taken inspiration from my kids individual, unique personalities. Sadie can make any situation turn funny, lighten the mood in a room with just a small laugh, although her laugh is rarely small. Her giddiness keeps her grounded somehow and tempers the reality of our situation so she can deal with things on her terms. Tyler may not comprehend social settings and situations well but he certainly has learned how to use charm to work his way into the situation well. A wink, a smile, a snap of his fingers and a flip of his hair does the trick. Trevor, ah my little overactive chatterbox that lives in a world of make believe. His imagination and creativity are limitless. It may be hard to keep him down here on earth with us but sometimes I would rather have the choice of escaping with him to his universe.
I am inspired by my kids. They are a gift to me. Amazingly, I get credit I don’t deserve when it comes to their shining personalities that make them a gift to the world as well.

Today is one of those reality days where every single thing I have to worry, stress over, try and make plans for, hits home.
I can’t support 3 kids and myself on what I am making. Not even living for free with my parents. How I will save up to move back to California is completely a mystery to me. How I will support us once in California is a mystery. And what is there to go back to? I will not stay here. I can’t.
Realizing that plans made months ago will never actually happen makes me angry. Promises continually made and broken have worn me to a thin shell of a person.
For some reason I have lost the motivation I had. I should be stronger than this. Have some amazing plan for a solid future with my kids. A business plan, a goal with all the steps lined out perfectly. I have nothing to work with, no money, no credit to build off of, no savings, no income, no education, no work history for the last 14 years.
Now let’s tally up what I do have. I have 3 amazing kids that I am scared to death of failing. I have parents that have taken us in and loved us immensely. I do have a job even if it isn’t perfect. I have the love of my family. I have a car. Umm… yep, that is about it. I am smart, even though I certainly don’t look like it at the moment. I thought I was strong enough to do this, but to move forward I am just not sure how.
I have only felt this lost a few times in the last 8 months and one friend was able to lift me up and give me strength, hope that things would work out fine in the end. That friend is now gone, has their own life to deal with, and that is like putting acid on a wound.
I do know I have the support of others but honestly out of sight, out of mind is true.
This is my life, my shit to deal with. I will deal. I may just need to vent once in a while.

It’s Tuesday.
I started and finished a test knit today after going to both stores in town that carry yarn, found nothing, and just made do with 2 balls I had on hand.
Bad Religion’s new album The Dissent of Man came out today. So far I have no opinion. It sounds like Bad Religion, and their social issues are the same. It may grow on me over the next week. We’ll see.
I hurt but it is the good kind of recovery hurting so I don’t mind.
Tomorrow I train at the hotel for a full day with a Dr.’s appointment smack in the middle of the day. Not so sure how working for 5 hours after being tortured is going to work out. My butt is so bruised from the last visit I am scared to let him touch me tomorrow. It will be good no matter what.
Holy crap, I almost forgot. I did jump lunges, squats, and all kinds of other stretching exercises last night and again today. Maybe that’s why I hurt so much. Who cares, I needed it.
You know, I am trying to stay focused on being okay in the now and not feeling like a complete failure for not being perfect. I expected perfection, to a certain extent, thinking my life was set on a path for the last 15 years that would eventually lead to success and happiness. The realization that it wasn’t going to happen in my marriage was shocking but reality. I can’t force someone to be something, and someone, they aren’t. I can only change and compromise so much without it costing a lot for me and my kids. It was time to face the truth, that we couldn’t force it, it was killing both of us inside.
“We’re okay until the day we’re not. The surface shines while the inside rots.” – Rise Against
I heard that line for the first time and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I knew I couldn’t go on in life being miserable. Am I a ray of sunshine now? Umm.. nope. But I am not rotting inside. I am me. I haven’t felt like me for years. I was a damn good faker. I had a friend tell me that reading my blog for the last few years you would never know I was unhappy, rotting inside, miserable. My surface was shining with my perfect front I put up for public consumption.
I am getting stronger with each challenge, I think.
I wish vivid, realistic dreams would leave me alone. I can’t seem to shake those. Sorry kind of off topic. But it is time to wind down and get to bed so avoiding dreams that stick with me for days was on my mind.
I know my blog content has changed immensely in the last month. I apologize, kind of, but I have to be honest about what is going on in my life and not carry on here like all is dandy and swell (like I did for the last 6 years) when most of you know it sure as hell is not. Maybe if I had been more honest fewer people would have been surprised by the divorce and losing our business and house.
Take it or leave it, but this is what you get for the foreseeable future.
I do promise to do my best to at least let my humor, dark, morbid, light, or goofy, shine through when I can.

Just thought I would mention that in case you all didn’t notice.

I have decided that love is shitty.
Ok, maybe not all love is shitty.
Love comes in different forms. The love of parents and children has to be the strongest. This Love is beautiful, a gift from our Creator to demonstrate His love for us. Then there are crushes, infatuations, rebounds, longing & pining away for years, and then there is Love, the kind you feel from head to toe through every fiber in your body, just thinking of that person gives you the chills and a feeling of being anchored to someone for eternity. And that is the kind that I feel shitty about at the moment.
Unconditional love is nearly impossible for us fallen humans. Love of family is the closest we can come if we are truly blessed. Then there is love of a mate.
I firmly believe we were created to have a mate in this life.
Now, how we choose that mate is another issue. If we are lucky our first choice in a lifelong mate is our soulmate (yes I believe firmly in soulmates) and you make it through all the shit life throws at you together. It isn’t easy, it is hard but you do it with the knowledge that your mate will be there during and at the end to hold and comfort you.
Going through a separation and divorce has me seeing and feeling love differently. Shitty.
The decision to be without a mate is a difficult one to make. Loneliness after being paired sucks. It is shitty.
I can daydream about finding that soulmate, I can even know who it is but without them knowing, feeling the same love, and acting on it, it is pointless. The pain of truly loving and losing almost isn’t worth it.
Maybe I should find my cold, hard shell again and protect myself.
I am tired of emotions and feelings, I am no good at handling them. I just fuck things up. Staying logical, realistic and selfish may be my best option.
Sad, isn’t it?
The worst part is that I still have that hole in me that only one person can fill.
Shitty.

I got my hiney worked over again today by Dr. Good-torture and feel pretty damn good about it. I also look exceptionally good today, not sure why but it pleases me.
Sadie, Tyler and I just had a Hot Wheels buying trip and while I didn’t get any for my collection this time I did get a picture of a convertible Firebird parked just down the street that Tyler and I decided was a great trade for the Mercedes. Yellow wouldn’t be my choice of color but since Tyler is a yellow freak I will compromise.
Now we are home, about to have dinner and then an evening of card and dice games with lots of laughter I am sure.

This feeling that has me overwhelmed breaks my heart.
I long for my kids to go back to their normal life, where they feel safe and content. Happy in the minutiae of their day.
I long to be protected, the protection that comes with love and connection. I long to provide that protection for my little ones.
I long to laugh, be truly happy happy, where my chest is bubbling over with giddiness and joy.
I long to live each day with a knowledge that I am where I should be, that I am who I should be, clarity in where I am going.
There isn’t fear involved, just a reality that I am not on solid ground. I don’t fear what is to come, I get to choose our path from the choices put before me. Some choices will appear, some will be of my making.
Longing, sadness, and grief are difficult emotions to allow myself to acknowledge and not feel weak. I should always be stronger than them.
Yet I’m not.
So now I learn to grieve for the things I long for that won’t come to be.
That list feels desperately long at the moment.