Today is one of those reality days where every single thing I have to worry, stress over, try and make plans for, hits home.
I can’t support 3 kids and myself on what I am making. Not even living for free with my parents. How I will save up to move back to California is completely a mystery to me. How I will support us once in California is a mystery. And what is there to go back to? I will not stay here. I can’t.
Realizing that plans made months ago will never actually happen makes me angry. Promises continually made and broken have worn me to a thin shell of a person.
For some reason I have lost the motivation I had. I should be stronger than this. Have some amazing plan for a solid future with my kids. A business plan, a goal with all the steps lined out perfectly. I have nothing to work with, no money, no credit to build off of, no savings, no income, no education, no work history for the last 14 years.
Now let’s tally up what I do have. I have 3 amazing kids that I am scared to death of failing. I have parents that have taken us in and loved us immensely. I do have a job even if it isn’t perfect. I have the love of my family. I have a car. Umm… yep, that is about it. I am smart, even though I certainly don’t look like it at the moment. I thought I was strong enough to do this, but to move forward I am just not sure how.
I have only felt this lost a few times in the last 8 months and one friend was able to lift me up and give me strength, hope that things would work out fine in the end. That friend is now gone, has their own life to deal with, and that is like putting acid on a wound.
I do know I have the support of others but honestly out of sight, out of mind is true.
This is my life, my shit to deal with. I will deal. I may just need to vent once in a while.

4 thoughts on “Today

  1. Interesting that you thought it fit too, Tracy!
    I searched and searched, had a hard time finding something that hit the spot. This one fits right now for sure.


  2. Look, I’m a pink blob with horns leaving lots of comments on all your posts at one time! ;o)

    I think this is better – not just the format. It’s nice to hear what’s really going on with you.

    So the current job isn’t exactly life sustaining, but it may lead to other things. If you are looking for other jobs to supplement the one you’ve got, or an upgrade, I’d be more than happy to write reference letters, and/or be listed as a reference on your resume. Since I’ve known you a long time, I can think of lots of ways that I could vouch for your numerous skills.


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