Couple of Things

It’s Tuesday.
I started and finished a test knit today after going to both stores in town that carry yarn, found nothing, and just made do with 2 balls I had on hand.
Bad Religion’s new album The Dissent of Man came out today. So far I have no opinion. It sounds like Bad Religion, and their social issues are the same. It may grow on me over the next week. We’ll see.
I hurt but it is the good kind of recovery hurting so I don’t mind.
Tomorrow I train at the hotel for a full day with a Dr.’s appointment smack in the middle of the day. Not so sure how working for 5 hours after being tortured is going to work out. My butt is so bruised from the last visit I am scared to let him touch me tomorrow. It will be good no matter what.
Holy crap, I almost forgot. I did jump lunges, squats, and all kinds of other stretching exercises last night and again today. Maybe that’s why I hurt so much. Who cares, I needed it.
You know, I am trying to stay focused on being okay in the now and not feeling like a complete failure for not being perfect. I expected perfection, to a certain extent, thinking my life was set on a path for the last 15 years that would eventually lead to success and happiness. The realization that it wasn’t going to happen in my marriage was shocking but reality. I can’t force someone to be something, and someone, they aren’t. I can only change and compromise so much without it costing a lot for me and my kids. It was time to face the truth, that we couldn’t force it, it was killing both of us inside.

“We’re okay until the day we’re not. The surface shines while the inside rots.” – Rise Against

I heard that line for the first time and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I knew I couldn’t go on in life being miserable. Am I a ray of sunshine now? Umm.. nope. But I am not rotting inside. I am me. I haven’t felt like me for years. I was a damn good faker. I had a friend tell me that reading my blog for the last few years you would never know I was unhappy, rotting inside, miserable. My surface was shining with my perfect front I put up for public consumption.
I am getting stronger with each challenge, I think.
I wish vivid, realistic dreams would leave me alone. I can’t seem to shake those. Sorry kind of off topic. But it is time to wind down and get to bed so avoiding dreams that stick with me for days was on my mind.
I know my blog content has changed immensely in the last month. I apologize, kind of, but I have to be honest about what is going on in my life and not carry on here like all is dandy and swell (like I did for the last 6 years) when most of you know it sure as hell is not. Maybe if I had been more honest fewer people would have been surprised by the divorce and losing our business and house.
Take it or leave it, but this is what you get for the foreseeable future.
I do promise to do my best to at least let my humor, dark, morbid, light, or goofy, shine through when I can.

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