I have decided that love is shitty.
Ok, maybe not all love is shitty.
Love comes in different forms. The love of parents and children has to be the strongest. This Love is beautiful, a gift from our Creator to demonstrate His love for us. Then there are crushes, infatuations, rebounds, longing & pining away for years, and then there is Love, the kind you feel from head to toe through every fiber in your body, just thinking of that person gives you the chills and a feeling of being anchored to someone for eternity. And that is the kind that I feel shitty about at the moment.
Unconditional love is nearly impossible for us fallen humans. Love of family is the closest we can come if we are truly blessed. Then there is love of a mate.
I firmly believe we were created to have a mate in this life.
Now, how we choose that mate is another issue. If we are lucky our first choice in a lifelong mate is our soulmate (yes I believe firmly in soulmates) and you make it through all the shit life throws at you together. It isn’t easy, it is hard but you do it with the knowledge that your mate will be there during and at the end to hold and comfort you.
Going through a separation and divorce has me seeing and feeling love differently. Shitty.
The decision to be without a mate is a difficult one to make. Loneliness after being paired sucks. It is shitty.
I can daydream about finding that soulmate, I can even know who it is but without them knowing, feeling the same love, and acting on it, it is pointless. The pain of truly loving and losing almost isn’t worth it.
Maybe I should find my cold, hard shell again and protect myself.
I am tired of emotions and feelings, I am no good at handling them. I just fuck things up. Staying logical, realistic and selfish may be my best option.
Sad, isn’t it?
The worst part is that I still have that hole in me that only one person can fill.

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