Longing

This feeling that has me overwhelmed breaks my heart.
I long for my kids to go back to their normal life, where they feel safe and content. Happy in the minutiae of their day.
I long to be protected, the protection that comes with love and connection. I long to provide that protection for my little ones.
I long to laugh, be truly happy happy, where my chest is bubbling over with giddiness and joy.
I long to live each day with a knowledge that I am where I should be, that I am who I should be, clarity in where I am going.
There isn’t fear involved, just a reality that I am not on solid ground. I don’t fear what is to come, I get to choose our path from the choices put before me. Some choices will appear, some will be of my making.
Longing, sadness, and grief are difficult emotions to allow myself to acknowledge and not feel weak. I should always be stronger than them.
Yet I’m not.
So now I learn to grieve for the things I long for that won’t come to be.
That list feels desperately long at the moment.

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