Simmer Dim
Month: March 2012
Hehehe…I love Mr Ensey
Shout Out on a Wednesday
I am sitting here in my jammies, at almost noon on a Wednesday, my husband asleep in his chair next to mine and I am feeling so grateful for the knitting world.
Specifically, I am thankful for the life long friends I have made through yarn. Of all things, yarn has brought me more deep friendships than I ever imagined. When I started going to knit groups & meetups almost 10 years ago there were only a few blogs on Knitting & Crochet Blogrings, a few good online yarn shops to shop at, and just the smallest group of hard to find indie dyers & spinners. Blogrings were fun to peruse but it took a lot of work to hunt down patterns and the books or mags that patterns were referred to on people’s blogs.
My local knit group had started to meet weekly and we grew. That group of women will never be able to be replaced and no group will ever compare. Moving away from Santa Barbara wouldn’t have been so difficult if I hadn’t lost that group as well. We still keep in touch, mostly facebook and some on Ravelry, but it will never be the same as a weekly sit down over amazing coffee and food.
Ravelry. I was lucky enough to get an invite and be one of the first 400 users. Just what was available that first couple of months was mind blowing! Sadly, it did cause my blog reading to decrease dramatically and my blog lost a lot of views but it was worth it.
Then, the forums started booming. Through the different friend connections and forums I started making friends. The Caffeine Addicts group, my own SBKnitters group, and just over the last 2 years the Alina Shea Creations group, have all been life altering for me. To find friends, companions, sisters that are spread all over the world yet bonded through some string is amazing to me.
With the loss of my former life in California, my disease taking over my body and mind, my new love, my renewal of my body, my new marriage, our new life in Kansas, our family, the loss of our son, the grief, and now the restructuring of my immediate future, I have found SO much strength and love through old and new friends. Women (and men) that have shared their struggles, their life, their ongoing commitment to overcome obstacles set before them with grace, humor, dignity, compassion. Those are just a few things I have learned from my friends.
It’s funny to feel so weak, in body and spirit, and be told by those that you adore and admire that you are strong. That you are an inspiration to them! How in my weakness and self pity can I be showing strength? I don’t know, I just know I am told that I am strong and it gives me that shove to keep going. I don’t worry about letting people down if I feel weak. I feel what I feel and until someone looks me in the face (either in person or virtually) and tells me I am giving in to weakness and not doing what is called for then I will continue to be what I am.
I believe I am surrounded by people that will force me to look at myself when I need to evaluate things and I will be able to honestly see what I need to change. It has happened, and it will happen again I am sure!
That is what friendship is. Honesty, being open to the loving evaluation, advice, influence of your friends and family….and knowing that when you CHOOSE not to listen or take it they will love you just as much anyways!!
Now, back to my hooks, sticks, & string!
Knitting Queue Redo
I have cleaned out my knitting and crochet queue so that I don’t have it chock full of baby items and I am replacing them with comfort items.
I am looking for distraction and a few extremely fast shawls are what I need. Beautiful yarn, beautiful yet simple patterns, and finished projects that will brighten my days.
First is the Simmer Dim Shawl, I am using an Alina Shea Creations yarn, Balance, in Primavera a springy, lemony-lime color.
Next is from the newest issue of Knitty, the Good Day Sunshine shawl . I am going to use another Alina Shea yarn, Grassy Feet in Fire of Life, beautiful red.
I still have a want to make little baby boy things. I have a stack of projects that need ends woven in but no baby to use them. For now I will get them finished a little at a time and set them aside.
Today was a good day and matching yarns and patterns pleased me.
Rex Joshua Ensey~ Our Perfect Son
Rex Joshua Ensey~ Our Perfect Son.
Sunday, March 4, 2012 our little Man Rex Joshua Ensey was stillborn, weighing 3lbs 15.5oz, 17 inches long.
Saturday his movement decreased but I was so used to feeling him I thought it was just that keeping busy I wasn’t aware of his movement. By late afternoon/evening I had to sit and focus to try and feel movement, massaging my belly, drinking cold water like he liked. I could almost always get a good jolt out of him by taking a nice, long drink of cold water. Thinking back now I realize the little movements I felt were most likely not him. I went to bed thinking it was that he had dropped and just didn’t have much room to move. There are those times when he just rested for hours and hours, I assumed it was a mix of all of the above.
Saturday night Josh and I both had horrible dreams, waking up at the same time he insisted we go to the emergency room. I really, truly did not feel it was necessary. It’s not that I knew something was wrong and was avoiding it, I really felt nothing was wrong. He drug me, arguing the entire way, in to the emergency room and from there it was a whirlwind.
No heartbeat with a monitor, then the ultrasound that just about killed Josh to watch. I wish he hadn’t watched but he did. His reaction was more than all I needed to know what had happened. The tears of the ultrasound tech, the nurses warm and loving demeanor knowing what we now would have to go through next.
We called Cori and she came right over to the hospital. Staying with us, quiet and comforting, there for whatever we needed. Mark brought the kids to us before they induced labor so we could tell them what had happened and what was going to happen. The kids were amazing, holding out hope until the very end that a miracle would happen and Rex would be born alive but truly understanding that he was already gone and it was just his body I would be delivering. Evan and Michelle spent the day with the kids at home, then Ryan spent some time with them. Cousins are such a healing influence on my kids, they love their cousins so deeply.
Cori and Mark stayed with us throughout labor, running little errands for us, stepping out when we needed time alone. Never did we feel awkward having them there, never did we feel we couldn’t ask them for something we needed. Mark and Josh have a relationship that is emotionally open & honest. It was perfect for Josh to have a brother there that could hold him when he needed, let him feel the way he needed to feel, support him emotionally and help him when he needed help. If you know Josh you know anger is there, frustration and rage can rear their ugly heads just like the rest of us. His loving and calm demeanor takes over after a minute and he returns to himself. Mark helped keep him emotionally with me, with Rex and I. He has immediate reactions to what is happening right in front of him, I shut off the emotion and do what has to be done knowing I can deal with the emotions as they come a little later. I don’t ignore what’s happening, I don’t ignore the emotion, I just chose to stay strong for Josh so he could take his time reacting how he needed to react without it upsetting me. I have never in my life had my heart torn open like it was when he was in the depths of immediate grief over the loss of our son. Holding Rex, sobbing, wailing, somehow the raw emotion that Josh showed was not upsetting to me, it was endearing and drew me to him even more. I love my husband deeply and to see him that emotionally distraught made me want to wrap him and Rex in my arms and fix it all. Yet I couldn’t. All I could do was give him time with his son, drinking in every second they had together.
We had 2 quick hours with Rex before we decided it was time for his body to move on. I took my time memorizing every little detail. So much of him is Josh. So much of him is me.
Cori and Mark were there for most of the 2 hours with us. Holding Rex and saying goodbye.
The hospital staff was so wonderful, they took photos of our boy and printed them for us, making sure to get some shots I asked for specifically. I had Mark bring the sweater that I knit to bring Rex home in so he could be photographed wearing it.
Every single person we encountered at St. Joseph’s Hospital loved, cared and soothed us in the most amazing way. Each and every nurse, resident, doctor had a gift in dealing with us. The people that we needed to get through Sunday were there for a reason. Our first nurse, Jodi, had lost 2 of her own sons at birth and understood more than we could have ever expected. She knew what to say when, she could almost read our minds and give us answers before we asked the questions. She was able to keep us calm with her presence.
After our separation from our little man we were moved in to a lovely suite with a queen bed, dining table and chairs, recliner, TV armoire, decorated so nicely for a relaxing recovery. It was still on the maternity ward but far enough away from delivery and recovery rooms that we would have privacy and not much of a chance of hearing babies. Also giving us the space to not be heard in our grief. I am so grateful for the calm and quiet space to feel and react the way I needed. Josh there taking care of me, holding me, crying with me, knowing exactly how to soothe me.
We stayed Sunday and Monday nights at the hospital. Josh going home to get the kids off to school Monday morning, getting them dinner and bringing them to the hospital Monday night for a couple of hours. They were so excited to be there with us and we were so excited to have them there, happy and full of life. Reminding us of all we have, all we are blessed with, our kids that bring us joy and love every second of every day. Our loss is deep and binding but it’s not all we have to feel.
Of course, I realize saying this only 3 days after losing Rex and not having my postpartum hormones kick in I sound very even-keeled and strong. I suppose I am today. Tomorrow I may not feel this way. A week from now I am may be a complete and utter mess.
Rex Joshua’s funeral service will be held next Monday, March 12th, time is still pending.
It has taken me the entire day to write this…I know there is more to include but I am tired and ready to move on with my evening. Dinner to prepare and my lovely sister Cori is coming over to visit 🙂
Thursday Thrift Store Find
Among a few other things I found yesterday (a few cloth diapers in good shape, flannel receiving blankets to use for burp cloths and diaper inserts) I found a bag of yarn for $5.48! And great yarns too!!
There is some Rowan Denim, Jamieson Spindrift, Euroflax Linens, Cascade 220, Elsebeth Lavold Cottons, and about 10 others…I would guess retail value to be just around $150. And all of it usable!! Now that is a find!
I came home and immediately crocheted a Single Crochet Beanie (pattern link on the left sidebar) with earflaps using the Sweet Bee ball of yarn. So cute! Josh wants a matching one so I will have to round up yarns in the same colors to make him one as well.
I have been knitting and crocheting lots of baby things. I finished the sweater to bring him home in, now to decide if I want to get some little pants done as well or just socks and a hat. I am leaning towards the socks and hat. I finished up a few more diaper soakers, 2 more sleep sacks/kicking bags, newborn mittens, nursing pads that need to be felted and lanolized (Now lanolin should be here today so I can get them done.)
Okay, off to clean a little, organize and start sewing!