Category: Blog

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I like me.

I have been reflecting on how I have changed my views on certain things the last 6 months or so. Over the last 2 years changes in our church brought both my husband and I to question our role in the church body. With our pastor leaving and a lack of leadership we felt we needed to look outside our church for counsel. I felt led to a decision that has put me and my kids where we are now, on the path to a new life.
Where does that leave me spiritually?
I do not believe that divorce is unacceptable. For 15 years I prayed and begged and pleaded with God to work in me to be the wife my husband needed. I gave up my career, raised our 3 kids and enjoyed almost every minute of it. I longed for a connection that just wasn’t there. So did my husband. It went both ways, we worked at it continually. Striving to be a model Christian couple and family. I have never felt that God wasn’t in our marriage, I feel strongly He was there to guide us through those times when we thought we couldn’t go on.
So what now? Do we both agree so strongly about the divorce and God disapproves? I know that the church disapproves, that has been made clear. I do not feel anyone outside looking in can judge a marriage, a divorce, or a new commitment.
My faith and my convictions have altered a bit. I still believe I am His. I still believe I am full of sin and need saving. I am not sure how the modern church truly fits in with those things anymore.
There are a lot of sayings, quotes, scripture, songs, hymns that all can express how I feel but I want it to be my own words, my questions, my thoughts that I convey.
Living in a place where over 90% of the population is LDS (Mormon) has had an interesting affect on me. I was raised LDS but left the church at a young age due to conflicting beliefs. I am right 🙂 I don’t judge, I let them believe what they feel led to believe. Arguing gets nowhere I have found. Let them think I am the brainwashed, unintelligent, questioning Christian without all the answers. That suits me just fine. What living around such a huge organization has made me realize is that no matter what religion you call yourself, every church has flaws, usually the same flaws. The flaws of the fallen people that lead. Nobody can argue that, and if you do argue with it you need to learn to question authority in a respectful manner to bring to light that we are all sinners, none of us perfect. Perfection is impossible.
I loved our church. I love the people, friends I have seemingly lost. I do not, and never will, doubt their concerns for our family. But I have had to step away. I don’t know when I will be ready to tackle a new congregation. Fellowship has always been important to me, yet for some reason I don’t miss it.
My kids have questioned my lack of spiritual prowess the last few months. I have been as honest as I need to be with them, we’ll always live with God in our lives it is just on different levels at different stages in life. I encourage them to act on what feels natural to them. Question, reach for answers that they need. Sometimes we think we can only get those answers at church over the pulpit but God has given us the decisive ability to learn through the Holy Spirit, life experiences, other people, and His Word. Not a lot of interpretation, just as it is written, and we are led to believe.
I think we live in a life where it isn’t and cannot always be clear.
I am in a place where I don’t doubt my salvation, I doubt what is next in this life. I can deal with anything, I may whine or cry a bit sometimes but I put my big girl panties on and move forward.
I will not be in my parent’s house with my kids forever. I have goals, I just have to move forward cautiously. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I have a tendency to push others on my timeline and then things blown up in my face.
I may be a bit of a spiritual rebel at the moment but I feel there is a new middle ground I will find that truly works in application in life. Call me crazy.

That was the worst night’s sleep. Not ever. But man was it bad. Not only the dream issue but pain in new spots down my butt and hamstring. Ggrrrr…
I haven’t recovered much today. Did some stretching, cleaning, playing on the floor, curled up like a cat in the sunshine on a quilt and napped for a bit(like maybe 10 minutes). Unfortunately I haven’t knit more than a few rows on Sadie’s socks since getting here. I just can’t sit for very long. It is kinda driving me crazy.
Now I am sitting on the back deck smack dab in the middle of a Nerf gun war, silly boys!
Christi and Jon are poolside in Vegas, lounging and eating, enjoying the silence. I hope they have an amazing trip! I know how hard it is to get away from all the commitments and schedules of kids to take time to focus on yourselves a bit. They deserve it, they are fantastic parents and perfectly made for each other.
I like being here with my nieces and nephews and really getting them all to myself. We get the real life experience. It’s good for us.
Oh I should post pictures!

I am talking about night time dreams. Not lifetime dreams, goals, aspirations.
As a child I had night terrors. I would talk, scream, cry, nobody could wake me up. Luckily, I didn’t remember most of them. They slowly went away as I grew older. By the time I was 12 they had morphed into very vivid, realistic dreams that stick with me for days.
I sleep well, that’s almost never a problem. But sometimes the dreams are almost too much to handle. People have been very clear in my dreams recently. I can feel my skin being touched, I feel the air move. For some reason I can’t hear background sounds. The colors of things are right on.
I am emotionally worn thin and I know that is causing the constant occurrence of my vivid dreams. I just wish they didn’t parallel real life so much. It would make it so much better if they were just crazy dreams.
Maybe I should watch more movies and read more books for dream ideas. Too much real life may be my problem!
I used to dream about musicians. A lot. With how I have immersed myself in music the last 6 months I am surprised I am not dreaming of musicians more. Odd, that.
Right now I don’t look forward to dreaming. I think about things enough while I am awake, I shouldn’t have to suffer through dreams too! They should be fun, silly, enjoyable. Sometimes they are enjoyable but that’s a different topic completely. TMI, sorry. Nope, not sorry, I lied.
I wonder how accurate I would be at interpreting other people’s dreams.

Do you think I can survive 8 kids? Teenagers, toddlers, boys, girls, school, appointments, kinda crazy to think about. It is only a few days and there are moms out there that do it all the time. AMAZING moms!
Luckily I will be rewarded with SocialD Thursday night.
We’ll be leaving in just a bit, taking Amanda back to school at Weber State and then be at Christi’s. I don’t look forward to the drive, I really overdid it at the wedding. I am afraid I set myself back in my therapy, I hurt. And I can’t get back to Dr. Good-Torture until next week. Ibuprofen & Excedrin, heat pad, ice packs, and Biofreeze are now my only hope. And not picking up the most adorable 2 year old, that will be torture!
Okay, time to hit the road!

What a beautiful fall wedding! Outside, a gift of rain and just a hint of falling wind in the willows.
Congratulations to the beautiful couple!!