Compliments & Other Things

Like most women, and men I suppose, I like compliments.
I like to compliment myself as well. The gym seems to be the best place to do this. Watching every muscle ripple and flow with every movement, the slower the better sometimes. I never shy away from a mirror but I don’t look at my reflection in every shiny surface either. While I am not vain, I am confident about my looks, always have been. That seems so at odds with being anorexic but for the most part (other than the fact that I like knowing I am the trimmest person in a room, issues I know) it’s not about my actual looks. Heavier, thinner, I feel beautiful. The anorexia is a food based, life control issue, among other things.
One thing I am liking about the change in my body size (getting bigger, thankyouverymuch, not smaller) is that every muscle is filling out. Getting stronger, staying defined, just getting bigger. I am managing to appreciate that food plays a role in this. Baby steps. Little, tiny baby steps.
I still eat the same exact things every day. Dinner is the only time I change things up. HA! Chicken or pork with vegetables. For about a month straight I ate lettuce wraps with meat, black beans, cottage cheese, plain yogurt instead of sour cream, spicy chicken seasoning, cayenne, black pepper blend, garlic salt, onion salt. That got kind of old when Tracy was here and I overate one night, making my stomach hate me for 2 days.
Back to the topic at hand. Compliments.
I have had a few private messages from people that have come to my blog, usually for patterns, and find they either have something in common with my issues of late or they just want to encourage me.
I am grateful for the compliments.
I am pretty sure you’ve all heard me say that life is shitty and I keep going no matter what. I may get discouraged for a few days here and there (yesterday had the serious possibility of throwing me in to a depression but I kept control).
One area that I have a hard time taking compliments on is motherhood. But that is a whole different discussion that honestly, I can’t handle having.
Sometimes I think my honesty and directness are a curse. Other times I am extremely grateful that while others are chicken-shits and keep their mouths shut, I have the ability to say what everyone else is thinking.
In my private life I find that I repeat myself too honestly and directly and maybe drive some people away. I am trying to temper that, be a bit more select in what I choose to drop at people’s feet that they may not be able to handle. I do read people well, sometimes I just think that what I have to say is more important than their reaction to it. Um…because I know everything and am always right ;o)
Of course I am kidding. Kind of. You decide.

P.S. If you have ever complimented me in any way, even a backhanded way that I arrogantly appreciated, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


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