I’ve Been Thinking…

I was a stay at home mom for over a dozen years. It’s quite a change being a working, single mom. I have to schedule my “free” time differently. Since there’s not much of it I choose between hobbies & housework. Before I could do both.

The Mom side of things is different too. I am Mom & Dad. I am the good guy, I am the bad guy. I do all discipline, I do all praising. Sometimes I feel like Jekyll & Hyde.

Let’s not talk about the added stress and work the shitty weather adds.

My kids thank me, tell me they love me, help me in whatever way I ask. It’s amazing. I don’t deserve such great kids, honestly. My temper is short, my patience is worn thin all the time yet they love me and want me around anyways.

We don’t get to go out and have fun. Here the options of a free/cheap day out are ridiculously limited unless we want to freeze our asses off outside. Small town, farm, uber-religious living has some serious constraints. I spent the better part of my youth being raised in the mountains in a town of fewer than 8,000 (at the time) but it was California. Sac & SF a quick drive away. Restaurants & coffee shops & entertainment centers open late every night.  Here, under these circumstances, the few places we could go for entertainment I can’t afford.

But my kids don’t mind. Don’t ask why, don’t ask for anything really. They are happy to spend their time away from school here at home, in jammies, watching movies, playing games together, playing with their toys. Their imaginations are limitless it seems. I couldn’t be more pleased about that! They are blessed with each other. I am blessed with them.

I want more for my kids. I want more for their future.  I want them to succeed. I want them to flourish in life. I feel like such a failure in my own life that I do not want them to walk in my shoes in any way. I assume most parents feel this way, I know my parents wished the same for me. I failed in that department, here living off of them, desperation driving my life.

wow. Desperation driving my life. That is a shitty statement, isn’t it. It’s the truth.

Smile at the pessimist. I don’t mean it so negative.  I have to constantly evaluate my future. Right now I feel at a total and complete stand still. If one more person here tells me that once you are here you are stuck I will throw a punch. I cannot be stuck here. I will not be stuck here. My kids will not grow up here any longer than they absolutely have to. I won’t move on here.

I am homesick. Other than Turkey this is the longest I have been out of California. It’s so foreign here.

Tracy comes in a week and I pray that I am not a total downer while she is here ;o) Sorry, Trace. I am looking forward to her being with the kids. Sitting and knitting and talking late into the night. Going to the gym together. Laughing. I better fucking laugh until I cry at least once. Snorting, busting a gut, totally going to happen.

These are just a few of the things I have been thinking about. I expected more a year ago. I expected happiness, some happiness, a new happiness. I have moments of happiness but they are rare. Mostly I just go, continue on. I don’t think that is what this life is meant to be but if I can raise my kids well, do what I can to help them succeed then it’s worth it. They want me happy. They tell me all the time. Ask me questions about my happiness and what I want. Sometimes it’s hard to answer their questions about me. Sadie especially. She, being a 13 year old girl really starting to understand the lure of the opposite sex, talks about me moving on, dating, what I want. We don’t talk about it, she makes statements and I may or may not reply depending. The boys are too young, immature, to have any clue. They talk about history and ask questions about my dating long before their dad. Both topics, past and present, are just as disconcerting. Anyways, my happiness isn’t the issue. I don’t get to worry about that at the moment. If there is time & opportunity and it fits in then I will embrace it whole heartedly. Until then I guess I just keep going on.


Edited to add: I have been pondering, as I lay here alone in my bed which can be very depressing, the idea that just because I have kids I should go on being unhappy. Not pursuing happiness because somehow it would take away their happiness. I am thinking that is wrong. Shouldn’t I be teaching them the benefits of happiness in relationships? Not just the unhappiness in a damaged marriage and then loneliness? I learned from my parents marriage that there is such a thing as soulmates, 2 people put together in this life perfectly matched. I always wondered why my marriage didn’t have that. Why couldn’t we work hard enough to achieve what they have? I know why, knew why from the start of my marriage but still pushed and tried to achieve it anyways, honestly knowing it would fail (I do not like failing, being wrong, I am stubborn and will fight it out to the bitter end, hence 15 years of marriage).
So, now what? My kids need to live with prime examples of what a great marriage looks like. They see their grandparents, my parents, and note the differences between their marriage and my marriage to their dad. I want them to have me as a good example, see me be happy, content, loved, cherished, respected, listened to, and me give all the same to a partner/husband. As I lay here trying to fall asleep I am not going to be upset over what I know is out there for me but I don’t have yet, I am going to quietly let my heart settle into a state of patience, waiting for the time when my happiness will be fulfilled and my heart will overflow with joy and contentment.

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