…there’s this rumor out there of my potty mouth. I will now validate that rumor.
Right now I am ready to just be done with the shit that keeps getting in my way of being happy. Yes, I fully understand that happiness is a choice. Bullshit is what I feel about that at the moment. Other people’s choices and decisions can and do have an affect on my happiness.
I have been described in the past as cold, disconnected, anti-social (ha!), a pessimist, a grump, an ogre (that one makes me smile), and just plain scary.
I will admit to being selfish at times, opinionated, blunt, direct, decisive, motivated, stubborn, and a little too logical.
I take people at their word. I have common sense, I am not naive or gullible per say. But unfortunately during the recent past I have let my guard down and now I am fucking paying for it.
I do not like being led by emotion. I do not like opening myself up for someone else to lead my feelings. My friendships I keep close and tight. Acquaintances get the happy, fearless, leader Chauntel. There are very, very few people that see me for who I really am, love and respect me for it, let me flourish into my amazing self in their presence 😉
Oh, did I mention I am confident? I am, always have been, always will be other than the slight questioning/doubting phase I am going through.
I will come out stronger, deeper in my convictions, even more driven to succeed and get what I need to be the best Mom I can be, the best example I can be to my kids so that they can do whatever it is that they are driven to do.
At this very moment I am devastated about a future that seemingly will not be. I am sad. I am ripped open and emotionally raw. Angry. Really in the mood to physically wear myself out, run until I can’t possibly go further, burpees, pushups, pullups, squats, all until I puke. Sounds perfect but I am fucking crooked still.
And the picture shows why I can’t do any of those things.
And I don’t need to hear shit about how thin I am. I know, I am not stupid.
What else can I yell about… oh yah, how about the fact that we are still in Idaho? Love my parents and sisters family but really, Idaho just isn’t for us. The kids are unhappy at school and my kids have never complained about going to school. Cultural differences between rural Idaho and suburban California are incredible. Almost too much to comprehend. It reminds me of Footloose constantly. Love 80’s movies.
Oh and did I mention I have been pulled over more here in 4 months than the last 7 years in Santa Barbara? Shitty. California plates on the only Mercedes hasn’t been a good thing for me. I need a big ass truck with a shotgun in the back window with a Buck Ofama sticker on the tailgate. That outta do it.
I may go Shining crazy this winter, people, watch out.