…there’s this rumor out there of my potty mouth. I will now validate that rumor.
Right now I am ready to just be done with the shit that keeps getting in my way of being happy. Yes, I fully understand that happiness is a choice. Bullshit is what I feel about that at the moment. Other people’s choices and decisions can and do have an affect on my happiness.
I have been described in the past as cold, disconnected, anti-social (ha!), a pessimist, a grump, an ogre (that one makes me smile), and just plain scary.
AHEM, bullshit.
I will admit to being selfish at times, opinionated, blunt, direct, decisive, motivated, stubborn, and a little too logical.
I take people at their word. I have common sense, I am not naive or gullible per say. But unfortunately during the recent past I have let my guard down and now I am fucking paying for it.
I do not like being led by emotion. I do not like opening myself up for someone else to lead my feelings. My friendships I keep close and tight. Acquaintances get the happy, fearless, leader Chauntel. There are very, very few people that see me for who I really am, love and respect me for it, let me flourish into my amazing self in their presence đ
Oh, did I mention I am confident? I am, always have been, always will be other than the slight questioning/doubting phase I am going through.
I will come out stronger, deeper in my convictions, even more driven to succeed and get what I need to be the best Mom I can be, the best example I can be to my kids so that they can do whatever it is that they are driven to do.
At this very moment I am devastated about a future that seemingly will not be. I am sad. I am ripped open and emotionally raw. Angry. Really in the mood to physically wear myself out, run until I can’t possibly go further, burpees, pushups, pullups, squats, all until I puke. Sounds perfect but I am fucking crooked still.
And the picture shows why I can’t do any of those things.
And I don’t need to hear shit about how thin I am. I know, I am not stupid.
What else can I yell about… oh yah, how about the fact that we are still in Idaho? Love my parents and sisters family but really, Idaho just isn’t for us. The kids are unhappy at school and my kids have never complained about going to school. Cultural differences between rural Idaho and suburban California are incredible. Almost too much to comprehend. It reminds me of Footloose constantly. Love 80’s movies.
Oh and did I mention I have been pulled over more here in 4 months than the last 7 years in Santa Barbara? Shitty. California plates on the only Mercedes hasn’t been a good thing for me. I need a big ass truck with a shotgun in the back window with a Buck Ofama sticker on the tailgate. That outta do it.
Wow.
Complainer.
I may go Shining crazy this winter, people, watch out.
There’s a saying that a friend of mine gently shares everytime I start to say things like you just typed. (She’s a good friend. She waits for me to vent, and listens to every word before interjecting ever so gently.) She says that the true trick of life is to “grow where you’re planted”.
I’m a transplanted New Yorker who moved back to the backwoods of my youth to spend time with my aging parents. So I’m fortunate that as much as I don’t fit in, I feel very strongly about being here at this time. The good news (and my experience), is that all you have to do is continue to be yourself and before you know it, you’ll find yourself with like-minded people.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. It just takes some time. Acceptance is optional. I’ve always had a little dissonance with that “happiness is a choice” stuff. But maybe it’s because we all focus on the happiness part of the equation, and maybe we feel a little bruised by life at the time and only think of the saying when we’re looking for happiness.
Maybe we should instead focus on the “choice” side of things. If these choices (both yours, and those made by others that impacted you and your children) don’t put you in the direction you want to be in, you can always make new choices. I’ve always found that to be a very powerful realization. Even when I didn’t have the slightest idea of what choice to make. The fact that once I did have an idea, I was free to implement that choice has kept me going when I didn’t feel I could.
Oops! I’m long-winded. I guess I just wanted to say “hang in there!”
Holly,
Thank you for being longwinded. I do know what you mean and appreciate everything you said. I know I will come back to your comment a few times. Thanks for the encouragement đ